He Seeks Me

Sometimes in the busyness of my day I hear my name, soft and gentle, with a tinge of pain. I wonder why anyone would chase after someone who continually runs away from them. So grateful to be loved, but not knowing what to say, I go stubbornly on my way.

"Where art thou my child?" I often hear him ask. Why would HE who knows ALL, sees ALL...is ALL...ask where I hide?  Of course He knows where I am. He just doesn't want to force me out from amongst the stuff I hide. These gifts that demand so much of my time.

Instead He walks right by whispering my name and these words... 
"Seek and ye shall find."  And yet, He seeks...for me.

A King searching for my peasant heart. One poor, not pure, and plain.

"Just let me be" my actions cry. Whatever from me could such greatness gain?

He doesn't give up despite my stubborn pride. This time, like Adam in the garden, accusations fly.

"These gifts you gave me Lord, they are to blame."

And didn't you give me a job... to tend, to care, to name?"

I hear a sigh.

His eyes so full of knowing, yet so full of love. Of course I feel ashamed. For another day of life, the least I owe is praise. Do I run to him or stay? 

I should worry that one day he may stop this game of hide and seek and walk away. But busyness violently plays tug of war and I find myself again amongst my stuff...empty and drained. 

If only I would pray.

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.”  ~Abraham Lincoln

Pass the 'Mic' to Me Please

The daughter of an auctioneer, I grew up hearing voices

magnified from a mic. I watched old things held up

wondering why anyone would want to buy ‘that’ only to

see hands and voices strongly rise demanding to win the

bid for what another no longer wanted. “One dollar, two,

who will give me three?” Dad rolled the words so

fast I often missed the bids but knew the winning

hand by the number held high at the very end.

Mic still in hand, I’ve grown to see dad’s words

magnify across the room to reach down to the hopeless.

Many wondering why anyone would want to give ‘that’ person

another chance. One person, two, who will make it three?

Dad speaks of the one who makes old things new

and gives value to lives others thought were through. I

may never hold the mic of preacher or auctioneer but

may my voice magnify hope like that of my dad’s.  ~jdl

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*For a class assignment I had to write something about myself.  The challenge was to write two sections, eight lines each, with ten words in each line. As my dad has made such an impact on my life, of course I had to write about him.

Fun song that reminds me of my dad!

Billy Graham once said, "I don't need a successor, only willing hands to accept the torch for a new generation." May I take the 'torch' (or 'mic') of hope my dad has projected most all of my life, and make a difference in my world.

To Be the Better Me

Looking back over this past year... 

I remember the bully that called me 'that' name, the others who pointed hoping to shame, the pain from disease that kept me from sleep, the things that I lost which I wanted to keep, the loved ones who passed without saying goodbye, the promises broken by both others and I, unwritten stories, unread books on the shelf, disappointed with others, disappointed with self...

On and on I could list the regrets that ring true, but it's only fair to include the other things too. The love from my family, support from my friends, new opportunities, dreams that began, wisdom I found through my journey with pain, and the me I once lost somehow showed up again. Now today as you near the close of this year, focus on what brought you joy and not just the tears. Everything works together, for a much bigger plan. In the end we can see it was all in God's hands. 

Follow with dilligence what you're meant to do. Ask, seek, and knock til you find the best you. ~JDL

photo credit

Never Never Never Quit! ~Winston Churchill

It makes one a better person to have had hardships and to have overcome hardships and not to blame anybody else for your mistakes. ~Maureen Forrester

The late night rambling of a dreamer

It is said that those who blog should never apologize for NOT blogging when they get behind. Yet, I must. For far too much time has passed from one who supposedly loves to write. I apologize mostly to myself for priorities misplaced.

Why do I not write? Why do I constantly just write about why I don’t write instead of actually writing what I should write? I sit upon a burning fire knowing that eventually it shall extinguish if I refuse to move. What a waste to be left with nothing but painful scars.

I’m weary of blaming ‘worry,’ tired of blaming ‘fear.’ Though fear still remains, it can not be blamed totally. Identified, fear has lost some of it’s power. Laziness seems to have crept in. Shall I blame it instead?

Oh, I’m not lazy generally. In fact, my schedule screams otherwise…school, work, family, church…study, study, study…housework, housework, housework. Perfection demands constant attendance.

So why blame laziness? Because it feels like laziness. When I do stop for a breath, when I finally do catch a few hours of ‘me’ time, I opt for sleep, television (albeit but little) or staring in space contemplating what is ahead.

I feel lazy because I’m not being productive during these times. Yes, sleep is important, but what about this dream to write? What about this burning within me to create…to share. I feel as if I’m destined to birth something great…well great for me anyway. But somehow I’m way past my due date. If it is held inside me for too long I wonder if it will die? Or will I?

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All I know is that I’m not heeding to life within. Instead I follow the ‘they’ and the ‘them’…’those’ who know so little about me and probably care far less then I give them credit for. I seek to please when I should be pleased to seek. Seeking something greater than those connected with insecurities. There is this voice that pulls me to care less and do more. Wisdom begs me take another road.

Less caring for their thoughts would provide more energy for action thus leading to a transparency, authenticity. Is it a personality defect, habit, survival mechanism…this depending on the approval of you?

Hmmmm….perhaps it’s not laziness I feel but actually exhaustion. Rejection, not being good enough, perfection.  I must make up for what I think you think of me even though what you think is not what I am. Oh the weariness of imagination. So with all the wondering (and wandering) I must aim higher...to be even better. To prove to you I am more than I think you think I am. (Confused? Imagine how I feel most days…overthinking, analyzing, critiquing...myself mainly.)

I weary with such process of compensation and end up not being the joyful me…the one I like better, the one 'those' who truly know of me like best.

It’s easier to sleep. Easier to R.E.M. than to work toward real dreams. And that is lazy thinkin. Wow...I’m back to where I'd started from. All that to say I’m sorry for not writing. No wonder I’m so tired!

So off to sleep I go…Perhaps tomorrow I shall awake to truly dream.

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.  ~T.E. Lawrence

http://lifeoutofthebox.com/2012/11/18/weekend-wisdom-dont-tell-people-your-dreams-show-them/

Connections

Below is a review I wrote for my university newspaper. The film really made me think about relationships in my own life. Just had to share! ~jdl

A short film called "I Forgot My Phone" published on YouTube this week has gone viral after only a day. Although the film is barely over two minutes, its message appears longer lasting. What is it about this short film that has people talking?

The film portray a young woman who goes through the day without her phone while everyone else in her life seems glued to theirs. Everywhere she turns to connect with others, she finds phones have become a sort of barrier to true connection.  Friends and strangers alike appear pathetic as they desperately attempt to virtually connect to others or capture memories, while in reality missing out on the ‘real’ connections and memories before them.

Director Miles Crawford and writer-star Charlene deGuzman attempt to portray through this short film how 'disconnected' we really are in such a constantly connected world.

The worst solitude is to have no real friendships. ~Francis Bacon

The Best Friend

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. Shall I not call God the Beautiful, who daily showeth himself so to me in his gifts? I chide society, I embrace solitude, and yet I am not so ungrateful as not to see the wise, the lovely and the noble-minded, as from time to time they pass my gate. Who hears me, who understands me, becomes mine, -a possession for all time. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson (Friendship 1841)

 "I chide society, I embrace solitude..." That is so me. Yet, am I so ungrateful as not to see those who "pass my gate?" I seek that friend "who hears me" and "understands me" while at the same time, I tend to run or hide away. Perhaps I do not even deserve such friendship.

Over the years there have been some that have come close to understanding the real me, yet only one has ever truly heard me, understood me and chose to stay. When I have moments of loneliness, whether real or imagined, I can go to him and he's always there.

Below are some excerpts from C.H. Spurgeon's sermon       "The Best Friend." 

"True friends are very scarce. We have a great many acquaintances and sometimes we call them friends, and so misuse the noble word “friendship.” Peradventure in some after-day of adversity when these so-called friends have looked out for their own interests and left us to do the best we can for ourselves, that word friendship may come back to us with sad and sorrowful associations."

"The friend in need is the friend indeed, and such friends I say again, are scarce. When thou hast found such a man, and proved the sincerity of his friendship; when he has been faithful to thy father and to thee, grapple him to thyself with hooks of steel and never let him go...."

"It is no friendship that flatters; it is small friendship that holds its tongue when it ought to speak; but it is true friendship that can speak at the right time and if need be even speak so sharply as to cause a wound."

"...there is a Friend who is the chief and highest of all friends... He is a true and real Friend... there is no friend to whom we ought to be so intensely attached as to him..."

Friend of sinners, is his name.

And know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time. ~Jesus