If I Only Had A Brain

Although this blog started as a class assignment, it has turned into something more.  A sort of journey down my own yellow brick road in search of something I need or want. Remember Wizard of Oz? Well I can identify with all four characters, Dorothy, the Lion, the Tin man and definitely the Scarecrow. 

DOROTHY... because I often feel lost and alone in a strange place.  After some major life changes, situations that created a sort of tornado in my life, I found myself in a foreign place...my life turned upside down and not knowing where to go. I have often longed to return to a time in my life where things made sense, where I felt safe, and most of all understood. Thankfully I have friends and family cheering me on towards finding ‘me’ again.

The Cowardly LION... because yep, I’m a big scaredy cat in need of courage. I worry a lot, which is a form of fear, mainly what people think about me. And that keeps me from being my true authentic self. The energy I spend worrying what others think could be used toward being creative. Towards growing into a better me.

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Even the TINMAN...One of my favorite songs by Kenny Chesney is “The Tinman.” and explains best why I can relate with this character. Oh, how many of us have felt the sting of betrayal or broken relationships. Sometimes we are glad to be a tinman because we dont have to ‘feel’ the pain that comes from being human, from having a heart. Although I’m not completely ‘heartless’, I do find myself pulling away from people out of fear of being hurt again.

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And last but not least the one I relate to the most. The SCARECROW!! And it is the scarecrow in me that has led me to this blog which has become a sort of therapy. If you read my first post you’d see that I’m an addict. An addict of learning. People could argue that an addict of learning must surely be a genius! But NO!!

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Just because I love and appreciate something and seek after it does not mean I possess it. One can love and appreciate music but it doesn’t mean they possess musical talent....I mean, really, some people no matter how many songs they buy off I-Tunes and no matter how much they practice...probably just should NOT sing.

That’s me…I have books everywhere, love to read, love to listen to lectures, watch educational documentaries...I mean really, I breath in the air of libraries or bookstores and get a sort of high. Geez, I’ve taken so many college courses that I should have a doctrates degree right now…but am I a genius? I wish!!

I recognize great intelligence but emulate it I can not. No matter how hard I try to get smarter, I still find myself singing the song of the Scarecrow...If I Only Had A Brain!

It's like I have plumbing problems in my brain.  Somedays clogged, other days frozen…and then there is this huge leak. Seems that as I sleep most of what I pour into my brain leaks out at night.

OK... so there have been moments where I felt a spark of smart but when I go to share it with others the blank look on their faces remind me that some people shouldn’t sing. Like a car with a dying battery, I have moments where I probably should give up turning the key. Well at least in front of others anyway. Abraham Lincoln said it best when he said….

“It’s better to be silent and be thought a fool then to speak out and remove all doubt."

So back to the therapy part...these class assignments have pushed me to write. Not just journaling like most therapists recommend, but a brave writing for the masses (well..ok maybe just for the few family members and friends who check in from time to time to make me feel good)…but having a real audience pushes me to have to think more…to dig deep into the reservoirs of my head and discover that even though I don't possess the 'brain' I wished for, I've discovered that I have learned.

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Yes, complex algebra has long escaped as well as most historical dates and scientific equations….but the core lessons, the ones that life has taught me have remained….and the more I write the more my brain starts unclogging. Like a sort of draino for my braino! (sounds lame but true!!)

Now with this therapeutic writing I haven’t suddenly become an Einstein or anything. And most of the time when I talk, I still stutter or ramble and people look at me blankly. But I feel better on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I still think that being a genius would be fun and great and yes, I still envy geeks like Sheldon from the Big Bang theory, and wish  'BAZINGA' I could explain physics to you. (I'm more like Penny but minus the cuteness!)

But with this blog, while I’m seeking wisdom to write about, I’m finding a sort of contentment with my life.

Wisdom in general is so hard to define or explain, but in this search to find it, I have found that it’s everywhere…in everything I look at there is a lesson. The biggest lesson I’m still learning so far is teaching me that being me is okay, even if I lack.

So I’m going to keep walking down this yellow brick road toward Wizzzdom... which I know in the end will lead me to feeling right at home, here in Kansas, with being ME!  You never know, I might even find along the way courage, a trusting heart...and yep...even a brain.  

The measure of intelligence is the ability to change. ~Albert Einstein