Pain obviously is not always physical. Emotional and mental pain is often considered the hardest to endure. My husband and I both served in the Army, and as part of our Veteran's Day celebration this week, we patroned a local restaurant which offered free meals. As I waited to be seated, I watched the many veterans walk past in their different shirts and caps proclaiming which branch they had once served. Though they were all of various ages and personalities, I noticed all of them were smiling that day.
Perhaps, for some it was the thought of getting a free steak dinner but no doubt for most, it was because they were the object of honor today; today was their day to feel special. Whatever the reason, their smiles and laughter struck me. I couldn't help but wonder how many would still be smiling when they left the restaurant that day.
For those limping or carrying canes, one might ask, "Were the disabilities from age or injuries from war?" My biggest curiosity though was not for those few, but for the rest. Statistics show that many of these carry a secret, whether knowingly or unknowingly, a pain hidden from the human eye, yet as debilitating as those injuries preventing walking. This pain, haunting memories of the past, prevent them from being the person they used to be.
Because you have listened to my story, I can let go of my demons. -from the Japanese folktale, ‘The Tale of Genji’ (Shikibu)
Although I was in the Army National Guard for over three years, I was never called to serve overseas. Never did I have to face the traumatic experiences many who fought in war have. I can only imagine the pain these returning soldiers must endure on a daily basis, and my heart goes out to them. Thousands return to the United States with PTSD, and many of these, aware something is wrong, are too ashamed to get help.
When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I went into a sort of denial not to mention being overridden with guilt. Questions drowned my thought process while guilt taunted me to tears. Guilt because PTSD was for the soldier who had fought a real battle, the brave soldier who had faced death up close and personal, he who had been shot at, captured or tortured; she who had been kidnapped and beaten. Surely not for someone like me. I didn't deserve this diagnosis, it was only for the courageous, the hero, or at least the one who had attempted heroism. Was I flawed? I should be stronger than this!! Yet here I was, experiencing the same symptoms, the same numbness, the same level of depression, the same fears as those who had had faced bloody battles.
"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." -Jose Narosky
One doesn't have to be in a literal war to acquire PTSD. Life itself can bring battles that we don't always win. Here I was, basically a wounded soldier of life with no victories to brag about. Many times I hid, huddled in my closet, crying, wondering how I could face this world again. I smiled around my family and friends, and yes, there were moments that smile was actually real. But often it was forced, for inside the pain raged. I trusted noone and wondered if I'd ever see the me I used to be again.
The following link to Dr. Frank Ochberg's poem, gives a better illustration of the PTSD sufferer.
by Frank Ochberg, MD
There are many out there not quite brave enough to tell their story, but have finally gained enough courage to seek help. Though some cases may seem more complicated, and the healing process moves slow, there is hope. With both professional guidance and support from family and friends, one can learn to truly live, laugh, and love again. Yes, it's true that some scars may always remain, but the pain from those wounds will lessen as you heal, and eventually serve as a life lesson which may also help others. Many wounded warriors, of both the military and life, have learned that a 'real' smile is indeed a possibility once again.
Trying to Find My Way Home
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