Missing In Action

“I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there.”                                                                                                                    

~Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

When you find her, please let me know.

The “her” I used to be that is. She has been MIA for quite some time and lately I’ve been missing her desperately.

I’ve been told that I think deeply and love deeply. Yes this is true, or should I say was true, for as of late, I am finding that the child like trust I carried for so long has dissolved to cynicism and doubt. I have built a wall of protection and almost dare anyone to step anywhere close.

I’ve evolved but I’m not necessarily proud to say that.

I miss the loving person I used to be. I would look in the mirror and like, even love what I saw. The trusting girl who smiled and helped anyone who crossed her path. The girl who wanted to save the world. To make her world a better place.

She would smile back at me. A real smile.

This 'me' smiles too but somehow it’s not the same. Whether real or not, always behind these eyes (those which used to dance) are these which look cautiously now, sometimes even fearfully about, here and there…questioning, wondering...who should I fear?…who are the sheep and who are wolves?

I can not tell, and wonder if it even matters for I have been bitten by both.

Once you’ve felt those fangs of death sear into your heart, can you ever feel safe again? I’m told yes, but the flight and fight instinct in me refuses to take any chances so most moments of happiness are robbed by the fear that being too happy means tomorrow I shall cry; that tomorrow I shall lose it all once again.

The last ten years I’ve lost some significant relationships. Some have been a vital part of my past, my history, those who helped make me who I was. Grandparents, cousins, friends.

Many who have crossed my path, and if even but briefly made such a powerful impact on my life, that when I lost them, I felt I couldn’t go on…yet somehow I did. Some I lost to death, others to life (circumstances such as moving, busyness, rejection or stupid choices.)

And now this month…just shy of our shared birthday month, I lost my childhood best friend. She was one of those who had ‘moved’ away due to circumstances of life and had recently returned. As she begin to reach my way to rekindle our lost friendship I felt a stir of excitement of what used to be and what could be.

But my fear of being hurt kept me from totally reaching back. Instead, as she reached, I pulled back, farther and farther. Maybe next week, maybe next month…when I’m better. When I’m trusting. When I know your motive is not to hurt me.

And then came that dreadful call. The one that made me realize how selfish fear can be. She was gone they said. She had been dying and I had missed reading what she was trying to tell me. I was so afraid of rejection that I had rejected her. Was so caught up in my losses and pain that I had not been aware of hers.

The ‘me’ I used to be would have recognized her pain. Would have known and cared that she was needing me. Would not have thought twice about her motives. In the process of protecting my self, I lost that gift I used to cherish, the perception of seeing when others were hurting. 

Ironically I allowed the fear of loss to actually bring me such.

Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire. ~Dan Brown 

So if you find her...yes, that 'me' I used to be...please let her know where I am...living halfway down Pity Street,  hidden behind a wall built of guilt, shame and fear. 

Oh, and be sure to tell her to hurry back to help me tear it down…for I’m ready to move on. I'm ready for action. Ready to dance. Ready to love. Ready to start making a difference, albeit but little.

For I'm realizing that I can’t help save a world when I’m too focused on 'Me.'                         But then again I'm sure she’s known that all along.

Dedicated to all those I have 'danced' with in this life. 

Thank you my dear friend, Peggy Price, for the reminder 

that I should 'dance' and not hide behind walls of fear. 

~Friends Forever RIP

       “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”    

                                                                 ~C.S.Lewis  The Four Loves