Missing In Action

“I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there.”                                                                                                                    

~Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

When you find her, please let me know.

The “her” I used to be that is. She has been MIA for quite some time and lately I’ve been missing her desperately.

I’ve been told that I think deeply and love deeply. Yes this is true, or should I say was true, for as of late, I am finding that the child like trust I carried for so long has dissolved to cynicism and doubt. I have built a wall of protection and almost dare anyone to step anywhere close.

I’ve evolved but I’m not necessarily proud to say that.

I miss the loving person I used to be. I would look in the mirror and like, even love what I saw. The trusting girl who smiled and helped anyone who crossed her path. The girl who wanted to save the world. To make her world a better place.

She would smile back at me. A real smile.

This 'me' smiles too but somehow it’s not the same. Whether real or not, always behind these eyes (those which used to dance) are these which look cautiously now, sometimes even fearfully about, here and there…questioning, wondering...who should I fear?…who are the sheep and who are wolves?

I can not tell, and wonder if it even matters for I have been bitten by both.

Once you’ve felt those fangs of death sear into your heart, can you ever feel safe again? I’m told yes, but the flight and fight instinct in me refuses to take any chances so most moments of happiness are robbed by the fear that being too happy means tomorrow I shall cry; that tomorrow I shall lose it all once again.

The last ten years I’ve lost some significant relationships. Some have been a vital part of my past, my history, those who helped make me who I was. Grandparents, cousins, friends.

Many who have crossed my path, and if even but briefly made such a powerful impact on my life, that when I lost them, I felt I couldn’t go on…yet somehow I did. Some I lost to death, others to life (circumstances such as moving, busyness, rejection or stupid choices.)

And now this month…just shy of our shared birthday month, I lost my childhood best friend. She was one of those who had ‘moved’ away due to circumstances of life and had recently returned. As she begin to reach my way to rekindle our lost friendship I felt a stir of excitement of what used to be and what could be.

But my fear of being hurt kept me from totally reaching back. Instead, as she reached, I pulled back, farther and farther. Maybe next week, maybe next month…when I’m better. When I’m trusting. When I know your motive is not to hurt me.

And then came that dreadful call. The one that made me realize how selfish fear can be. She was gone they said. She had been dying and I had missed reading what she was trying to tell me. I was so afraid of rejection that I had rejected her. Was so caught up in my losses and pain that I had not been aware of hers.

The ‘me’ I used to be would have recognized her pain. Would have known and cared that she was needing me. Would not have thought twice about her motives. In the process of protecting my self, I lost that gift I used to cherish, the perception of seeing when others were hurting. 

Ironically I allowed the fear of loss to actually bring me such.

Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire. ~Dan Brown 

So if you find her...yes, that 'me' I used to be...please let her know where I am...living halfway down Pity Street,  hidden behind a wall built of guilt, shame and fear. 

Oh, and be sure to tell her to hurry back to help me tear it down…for I’m ready to move on. I'm ready for action. Ready to dance. Ready to love. Ready to start making a difference, albeit but little.

For I'm realizing that I can’t help save a world when I’m too focused on 'Me.'                         But then again I'm sure she’s known that all along.

Dedicated to all those I have 'danced' with in this life. 

Thank you my dear friend, Peggy Price, for the reminder 

that I should 'dance' and not hide behind walls of fear. 

~Friends Forever RIP

       “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”    

                                                                 ~C.S.Lewis  The Four Loves

Words To Be

Today I wondered why I didn’t write yesterday and pondered if any writing should appear tomorrow.

The words within beg me to release them. Yes, I hear them even now. Or do I beg for them to be released but know not how? When I hear them, I write not, yet when I bid, they come not. I fear them or do they fear me?

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Oh fear…this dream-killer associate of mine barged in first as an unwanted guest and now refuses to leave. How I’ve grown  accustomed to such presence that I no longer bid it to go. Not wanting to hurt its feelings, I allow it to crush all my mine...my confidence in others, success and me. "What will they say?" fear taunts while attempting to make me forget the call of my words. Yet tonight they scream.

Still no release. I dare not let these words go free until they line up just perfectly. Why? Such an easy task others assume, but as I turn on the faucet to the source I freeze. Do I fear the process, the work of arranging and re-arranging, or consequences of such release?

Will the ink I choose tarnish the ivory white? Is a spot free page more beautiful than a faulty one? The artist must agree to mess to truly create. Still this I need to learn.

Directing water with no boundaries it seems. Flow they must but in the right direction and with perfect time. Boundaries I must seek for such creativity to flow. Perhaps I fear the flood. Will freeing them release a part of my self I am not ready for the world to see?

Only a trickle of words here and there I give, and that is not enough. Not enough to quench such thirst.

The only way to bid away such fear or insane expectation is to find a muse, an inspiration. And so I shall seek wisdom from the 'creator' of creativity, the 'word' who placed the words inside of me…the only one who can speak ‘let there be’ and it is….

May these words Lord, when finally set free, be those approved by mostly thee. 

Making my soul accomplice there 


Unto the flame my heart hath lit, 


Then will the verse forever wear-- 


Time cannot bend the line which God hath writ. 



~Henry David Thoreau

Words From A Fav Author

I had a bad case of the stomach flu this month, even to the point of having to spend overnight at a hospital. Experiencing days of illness and weakness had me crying out to God a little more than usual. 

Then one day, upon feeling much better (and eating much more!) I started pondering how I tend to seek God most in my most painful and dark moments. Of course he understands, as this tends to be the common way of us human kind! Still I chided myself for not seeking Him more during times of comfort as well.

Tonight I came across this reading of one of my favorite authors and was impressed with how perfectly he expresses what I recently felt. Hoping you find the wisdom it brought me. ~jdl


The Necessity of Tribulation
Words of C.S. Lewis

I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headline in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whole pack of cards tumbling down.

At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times.

I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources.

But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days.

Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear. God has had me for but forty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me.

Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment that I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over -- I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed.

And that is why tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless.

From C.S. Lewis, Reading For A Year

Our dog Presley after being bathed and groomed loves rolling around...

perhaps he's looking to pick up some dirt again?

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain." ~ C.S. Lewis                      

Slow and Steady

January is a month to start anew.  And yes, I started with a huge list of things I resolve to do THIS year...uh, well, ok....again.

But this year in my quest for wisdom I came across an article about one of my favorite wise men, Benjamin Franklin.  He advises that you tackle one new habit at a time instead of trying to change everything at once...make one thing a habit before you move on to the next one. You won't feel overwhelmed and your more apt to truly change.

Benjamin Franklin's Approach

Now here I am at the end of the month less frustrated then years past, and not feeling like a total failure. In fact, I feel a more disciplined ME in the near future. So far I'm in the habit of going to bed earlier, reading each morning, trading my soda for healthy drinks, and speaking more kindly to those around me. The weight is still patiently waiting for the habit of the gym to begin and the words in my head are begging for a pen...but I know I'm going to get there!

Normally this slow pace of change would drive me crazy as I'm always in such a rush to get things done, but the beauty of this new habit-forming plan is that slow and steady is what will help me change for the long run.

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In other words, I may just beat that well-intentioned, 'I know I'm faster than you' rabbit to the finish line. My tortoise shell is, yes, also heavy with good intentions but instead of quitting because it's just too much, my little steps prove that moving, even if but slowly, is better than not moving at all!

It's more apt to get me 'there' then having no plan and jumping into the 'race for change' full steam, only to find myself soon panting breathlessly on the sidelines, convinced that I may as well not even try anymore.

And remember...any action, even if but small, is much better than a plethora of empty words with nothing following.

How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them. ~Benjamin Franklin

Success Through Failure

Ever feel like a failure? Or maybe other people have deemed you one? 

Don't let your failures define who you are. 

 One may be surprised to find that it is often through 'failure' that success is found. Courage and determination to get back up and not quit is the key!

Dont Be Afraid to Fail

You've failed many times, although you may not remember.

You fell down the first time you tried to walk.

You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim, didn't you?

Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat?

Heavy hitters, the ones who hit the most home runs, also strike out a lot.

R.H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York caught on.

English Novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times but he also hit 714 home runs.

Don't worry about failure.

Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.

~Author Unknown

What if these people had given up??

It is impossible to live without failing at something. But failure in life is inevitable. Unless you lived so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all. ~J.K.Rowling